How and When to Disclose Your Oral Sex Boundaries While Dating

September 21, 2023

Starting a new relationship can be exciting, but it can also be nerve-wracking when it comes time to talk about sex. As dating and intimacy progress, conversations about sexual preferences become necessary. For some, certain sex acts like oral sex may be off the table. Bringing this up with a new partner can feel awkward, but it's important to share your boundaries early on. Here's some advice on how and when to have the "no oral sex" talk when you're dating.

Why You Should Disclose Your Oral Sex Boundary

While receiving oral sex is often seen as a typical part of a sexual relationship for men, not everyone enjoys giving or receiving it. You may have certain acts you dislike or feel uncomfortable performing for any number of reasons. Whether you simply don't enjoy giving oral sex or you have past negative experiences influencing you, it’s completely valid to not want to do it.

Letting partners know ahead of time prevents misunderstandings and feelings of obligation later on. Telling them early allows both of you to decide if your sexual preferences align before developing serious attachments. Don’t wait until you’re already naked and feeling pressured. Establish your boundaries clearly and give prospective partners time to think it over.

When to Bring It Up

Timing is important when revealing personal preferences. You want to discuss sex before actually having it, but likely not right away when you’ve just started talking. Aim for the timing sweet spot somewhere in the middle.

  • Too soon – Don't lead with this topic when you've only exchanged a few messages. Diving into sexual specifics can easily give the wrong impression that you're only interested in hooking up. Save this convo for later.
  • Too late – Don't wait until you’re moments away from sex to suddenly announce your distaste for oral. At this point, anxieties are high, feelings are involved, and your partner may feel blindsided.
  • Just right – After flirting and expressing mutual interest, have a talk before the first or second date. Share your stance matter-of-factly once a romantic connection seems likely but before emotional investment goes too deep.

How to Bring It Up Sensitively

Frame the conversation positively by asking your date about their preferences too. Use "I" statements rather than demands. Share why you feel this way without over-explaining or sounding apologetic. Valid reasons could be that you simply don't enjoy it, or you had one bad experience that turned you off permanently. Keep the details vague.

Emphasize that pressuring you would be unacceptable. Make it clear you’ll decline politely but firmly. This shows that while the act itself is off the table, you respect your partner’s needs and expect the same in return.

If your date reacts judgmentally or tries convincing you to reconsider, recognize this likely signals deeper incompatibility. Thank them for their time and move on. The right partner will take your boundaries in stride.


Being upfront about not wanting to perform oral sex allows for open conversations about needs and consent. Ultimately, finding someone who accepts and respects your boundaries without pressuring you leads to better intimacy. While it may take some trial and error, don't compromise your comfort. Disclose this preference at the appropriate time with confidence. The right partner will be willing to explore pleasure in other mutually fulfilling ways.

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